Apologies

So, this article has been recently making the rounds on social media, and, well, I just love it.

It is such a true observation of how so many of us behave. We apologize for everything.

As a native Brit, it’s even worse. I have caught myself apologizing for opening a door for someone. We are always apologizing for something – maybe it’s colonialism, or the fact that we aren’t generally warm and fuzzy people, or even that people can’t understand the version of English that we speak. That being, um, English.

But – this strikes deeper for me personally, even beyond my cultural foundation.

I have spent the past 10 years, since my fabulous little one just celebrated double digits yesterday, apologizing. For him. For his behavior. For him not understanding an explanation. For him not being able to pay attention in class. For him having food allergies. Basically for all of the things that he can’t do a thing about. Things that are not his fault. He would change it in a heartbeat – so would I. But, they are a work in progress. 

Here’s an example –

“I’m so sorry (he) was a distraction for the other children”. What does this say? That I have maybe validated the person’s feelings of annoyance and irritation at him? 

What if I would have said “thank you so much for your patience with him, he had a great time”. This is much better. It actually expresses the gratitude instead of trying to minimize the disruption. It makes people feel valued instead of put out.

So, today – no more. I will not start with an apology, unless that thing was intentional. Our son has made so much progress and continues to do so, from his autism diagnosis at 2, to his recovery at 9. Why should I apologize for that? I am thankful for the kindness and patience shown to him and I appreciate it more than I can express, but I can at least try.

Then turning this back towards myself. I routinely apologize for myself. For my parenting. For my choices. For my feelings. For my lack of feelings. For my need for boundaries. But – when I think about it, I am not sorry. I am glad we made the parenting choices we did – they worked. They were successful in recovering our son from autism.

Relationships are a struggle sometimes, both family and friends. I have friends that disagree with many of my opinions, which really is fine! We are each entitled to our own opinion, but that’s what they are – opinions, not facts. Opinions shaped by experiences, which of course are different. Where true friendship lies is where the opinions can be vastly different, but the discussion interested and honest, and the friendship endures. In those true friendships, I don’t apologize for my opinions and have never felt the need to.

Where I have struggled in the past is in those relationships that are not formed based on genuine growth together and respect, but on assumption of familiarity. I am not someone to give respect where it hasn’t been earned. And you know what? That’s ok. I shouldn’t apologize for requiring my affection and respect to be earned. But I can be thankful when it is.

The biggest thing we can all do is to own ourselves and our needs. Be honest as to how you feel. Do not apologize for those feelings, but, appreciate it all the more when people take the time to understand.